Sunday, February 4, 2024
10:13 pm
Kailua Beach Cottage
Balance and perspective....
Challenging...at times...who am I kidding? all the time!....to achieve and maintain....
Even more...especially...challenging as I write this current chapter of my life....
It is...interesting...to me how many miles my mind travels in just one day....
I have been.....blah and blue...flat...tired...listless...fatigued....
It's been chilly...it was very windy and chilly last night...
I woke up early...without an alarm...and waited for my Target delivery...food....and laundry detergent....
And I did three loads of laundry, including towels, blankets, and bedding....
Sleeping on the loveseat between loads/cycles....
And then I swept my floor and straightened up...a bit anyways....
And then I felt better....
A phone call with my sister was a wake-up call....reset my perspective...
I am not in a hospital or nursing home or rehab facility...I am not...
I am not in pain, languishing and suffering....
I am not even on chemo, for heaven's sake....
My body is tolerating the immunotherapy very well...just some fatigue and achy joints...is that so bad? Is needing naps such a terrible side-effect? Other than that, I am not suffering from the cancer; it is there, I know that, but, to be honest, I don't think about it very often...at all. Every three weeks, I go to Castle for a blood draw and I visit Dr. Louie and I get an infusion. And then I forget about it all for the next couple of weeks, and I bike and swim and take care of Ead and, yeah, nap...I nap and sleep a lot....pretty much whenever I can, I find myself going down.
I rode my bike....14.78 miles today, which I do not think is very much/far, but it is certainly more/better than not riding at all! I love my bike....my bike is an appendage....
But I long for a new bike....something newer, lighter....I'd like one this year....I cannot really get a new bike and travel to Connecticut....finances continue to.....
Whatever....
I rode my bike....it was a sun-splashed afternoon...the ocean was wild....there were a lot of kite boarders skipping atop the whitecaps....I kept riding...I encouraged myself...vocally, aloud...to keep going..."you got this" as I climbed up that little hill to the monument heading out of the Lanikai loop....the most challenging part of my ride...a short, but quite steep, little hill....
It felt really reallllllllllllllllly good....
I want to do some longer and more challenging rides....I want to....I need a newer, lighter, more street-oriented bike for that....
I'd like to ride with Dave and I'd like to ride on the mainland and on some islands...
Islands...
I am exceedingly blessed, especially to be able to spend this time with my sweet and wonderful Grand-dude, Ead Aki....I am exceedingly fulfilled spending these special, precious, early days with him...building our bond, our trust...exploring and learning together....wow.....
I am not sure.....that I understand....completely, or at all....God's purpose for me, for all of us, during this challenging chapter....
And I do seek that....and pray about and for that...to completely, or as much as is possible in my human condition....to know and to understand that...God's purpose for me....the lessons...that I may carry what I learn into the years ahead of me...
I am very, very grateful for this season...this chapter that I am writing....
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