June 8, 2023
I immediately knew from his tone; as soon as he said, “Karen” I knew. I did. It’s cancer.
Wow.
Not only cancer, but MALIGNANT cancer.
I….tried…I sat down outside while Laura was inside Mahina with Ead. I sat down. I tried to grasp what he was saying, how he was saying it, the urgency in his voice. “We have a lot of work to do. We have to act fast,” Dr. Schoppy said.
Wow.
Laura and Ead came over as I was ending the call with Dr. Schoppy. Her face betrayed her concern. “What’s wrong?” she asked. Perhaps I should have, but I didn’t hold back. “It’s cancer,” I said. I can’t keep anything from her. She’s my best friend, the person to whom I am closest on this Earth, in this life….I couldn’t keep it from her. There was not other way then to just speak truth, the way she and I always do.
I am….
I’m not sure how I feel, emotionally, yet.
The sight of Laura’s nose turning red….I knew she was going to cry…she does not cry easily. She is so fine and strong and resilient. She cried softly and I moved to sit near her and hug her. Still, at 36 years old, she is my baby and I cannot stand to see her hurt.
I do not want to leave her. I love….my love for her all these years is soooooo deep….I do not want to leave her! I want to grow alongside her for a very long time….a much longer time….I cannot bear to leave her…..for her to go it alone without me….how hard that will be for her….
I cannot bear to be ripped from her….we have been inseparable….for 36…more than 36 years…..she lived in my body…I gave her life…..we have been inseparable…in every way….
I cannot bear to say good-bye to her….I must fight this because that I cannot bear….
And Ead Aki! Wonderful, sweet, bright Ead Aki! I want to be with him….to help him, to guide him, to teach him, to love him and grow up all over again with him! My sweet, sweet, wonderful grandson!!!! Watching Laura as a sweet mommy to him is the icing on the cake!
Dave…..my Beloved Gift of God….I don’t even know….how to tell him. I have no idea how to tell him. I spoke with him earlier today and….he encouraged me to just be positive….he said I sounded positive….until I hear…anything….
I love my Dave. My Dave. So very proud of the man he has become. I am literally mesmerized and in awe in his presence. I do not want to leave him!!!! My Dave…I do not want to leave you!!!
Oh dear….
OK….
Dr. Schoppy called again just now…at 7:35 pm. Why is he calling me? He is very concerned. He is obviously very worried. This is really not good…at all…I think.
He said each day we will do the next right thing, and I can get into that. Have I not been doing that all these years? Is that not what I tell Laura literally all the time? I can get into that. What else is there to do?
I have to go to town tomorrow morning and take care of that check for Carolyn. That I must and I will do. Laura and Ead and I will do that.
Dr. Schoppy says many calls will start to come. I must answer and make and keep all these appointments. I will.
What will be next? I do not know. I do not know. This appointment, that appointment…poking and prodding and examining and testing…..results, news….more information….perhaps….scary….
I do not scare easily. I do not. I have become a mama grizzly bear. I do not scare easily. I want to stay with Laura and Dave and Ead. I want to never leave them. I want to never leave them.
One day, soon or late and one never knows….we will….one of us will…leave this Earth first. I guess….I don’t think I could bear to stay on this Earth without them, so I suppose it’s OK if I go first. I am not really scared….not really….
I don’t like not swimming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll ride as much as I can, and I’ll get back in the pool…at some point….I will….stubborn, resilient, and defiant as I am….
I refuse…I will not…I refuse to lie down and die….
I may…I will die one day…I may go sooner than I’d hoped….but….I won’t lie down and just let it happen…..no….
I need to say here for Laura and Ead Aki and Dave…..for my loves…..
I planted tomatoes today.
I need to stay busy…and get out of the house….I do not like being down and in….never have….
I will walk the beach….I will ride….
I will teach from home if Juku allows…I must work for a paycheck…I must….I must pay my rent….
I love my beach cottage! My kit-kats! My garden lanai! My bike! My beach! Riding to the pool!
I don’t want to lose my pretty blond hair!!!!! I love my hair!! Is that silly??? I don’t care!!!
I want to swim….and swim…and swim some more….
I do not want to worry or burden Laura and Dave. I have to stay strong for them. I WILL NOT LET THEM SEE ME LIE DOWN AND SLIP AWAY AND DIE. I WILL NOT.
I will be brave for them, because I resolved long ago that I can and I will do ANYTHING for them. ANYTHING.
Debating whether to tell my sisters. My brother. Of the five of us, will I be the first to go on?
OK.
While I am still here! I will do what I do best. I will live a day at a time and I will do the next right thing and I will live….
I will take delight in the sunshine and the sea breeze and my kit-kats and my flowers….in the beautiful birds and their songs that wake me every day…..in Ead’s eyes so bright with curiosity and joy!!!! I will ride my bike and I will walk the beach and I will swim….I will swim. I will be thankful for the blessings….the many blessings…of each day…..
I will trust God, as I always have, Who has a perfect plan for me for good and not for evil. I will pray and thank and praise Him, and I will ask Him to protect and guide me.
I will, as best as I can each day, continue to take care of me….my body, my mind, my spirit…each day….
Perhaps I will retire early after all!
I will laugh…I will pack my sense of humor each day. I will.
I will.
I will just keep swimming.
I will stay calm and swim on……
I will.
Add comment
Comments