the day after

June 9, 2023

Just got off the phone with Dr. Serrano.  He was certainly attentive and compassionate and somewhat informative….he says that he will make some calls and get back to me; in the meantime, he thinks I should talk to Dr. Schoppy and ask him to try to get me in for the PET scan anywhere earlier…as early as possible…but that…well, I don’t know….I guess everyone on this island is resigned to the fact that we are on an island and everything is limited and slow, and that’s that…..

I spent the day with Laura and Ead and Dagan.  Dagan was off.  We went to the credit union to take care of my rent situation…get my affidavits notarized and deposit the rent into Carolyn’s credit union account.  That’s take care of and from now on it will be easy to just deposit the money into her account at the credit union as opposed to getting and mailing the bank checks to her via snail mail.  We went to CPB and deposited cash into my checking account there.  I paid my credit card bills.  I’m all set til my next paycheck when I will pay the rent for July (already!) and also pay my phone and internet bills.  Pretty simple, actually.  I don’t have much, but it’s pretty simple and I like it that way.

Then we went to Laura’s and fed Ead lunch.  We’d stopped on the way for lunch for us, too.  I had a Subway BLT. 

On the way home in the car, Dave called…and I hesitated.  I almost didn’t answer it.  I didn’t know what to say, how to tell him.  I guess I just did it like I did it with Laura:  honestly.  Just said it.  He….seemed a bit stunned….. But waxed positive….always positive….

I will need them.  He said anything I need….but it isn’t the rides to the appointments or the taking care of my place and my kitties that I will need most…I will need those things, but that is not what is most important to me….I need him…his time with me….walks with Lamb, hikes, beach time, dinners, brunches….Family Appreciation Time.

After the little Monkey Man played for a while…(Wow! He has a lot of energy!)...we all laid down for a short nap.  My phone woke me up; it was Insight Imaging wanting to schedule my PET scan for June 22….13 days…nearly two weeks….from now!  That…..and the woman was not very nice about it AT ALL.  Two weeks….given Dr. Schoppy’s urgent and scary tone last night….seems an excruciatingly long time to wait!  What exactly is happening inside my body?  What will be happening during the next two weeks??? And beyond….if surgery cannot be until July??? A month from now??? I can’t help but wonder if this time could be the difference between my life and my demise….

Laura cried.  We were talking…calmly…after that call…she and I….we said, OK, just one day at a time, the next right thing….right?  Right.  I said I was feeling “OK”...not hurting and not freaking out and that I hadn’t even cried about it all…yet…and I haven’t….and she……….instantly……..wept…

Just sat there and wept and I held her and kissed her head and comforted her just as I have done so many times over the years…..

Well, not that many times, actually.  She does not cry easily nor often.  She is a happy, funny, very positive and emotionally stable and mature person.  She has never cried easily, not even when she was a little girl.  

My Love.  My Love.  She begged me not to leave her.  I promised I wouldn’t.  I don’t know if I can keep that promise, but I’ll fight like hell because I will do ANYTHING for her and for Dave.  I cannot bear leaving them.  I cannot bear it.  I just cannot bear it.  

We decided to take Ead to the pool…to just enjoy him and what was left of the day.  It was an awful lot of fun because Ead is an awful lot of fun!  He is….such a sweet and wonderful little person….OMG soooooo like his mom!!!!!  I remember her at every age….at his age….two of a kind….except that she slept more!  But he is a sweeeeeeeeetie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Like his mom, he smiles and laughs EASILY and frequently…all the time….

I simply adore him.  He needs his Gram-Gram.  I need to be with him, and with Laura.  Lord Jesus, please….it would be absolutely unbearable…..

I must try not to think about all of this tonight, especially right before bedtime.  Laura is going to call in a few minutes and we will chat as we do most nights….we’ll laugh about Ead and talk about….everything…as we always do and always have….

I must be strong for her.  She is….strong….but….yeah….I know how much she loves me.  I do.  Her love for me has been abiding and deep and steadfast.  I hate the thought of her going on living without me, her Murtle.  I know she is strong…I know…but she has always loved her Murtle.  

Perhaps that will help me to be strong…knowing that I must be strong for her.  Hasn’t that always kept me going?  Knowing that I had to be strong for them?  For my babies?  

The lump is tender tonight.  I mostly don’t feel it toooooo much….It is a bit tender depending on how I turn my head, but it does not interfere with my breathing nor my eating.  Maybe a little…maybe I cannot open my mouth as wide as before….I ate an egg sandwich on wheat bread…that was good…and yogurt….

The pool felt great.  I miss swimming.  A lot.  I want to swim.  Next week, I will swim.  I will.  What can happen?  What can it hurt?  I will swim to my heart’s content next week.  

Tomorrow, perhaps I will take a walk on the beach, or ride my bike to the beach.  Laura and I want to take Ead to the sunflower farm.  I will take care of Ead on Sunday morning while she hikes with a friend.  We will go to the trail; we will drink smoothies; we will delight in and play with Ead.  

Monday is a holiday and the Kailua pool will be closed, but perhaps we will go to the McCully pool with Ead.  I will ride my bike and swim all week.

I don’t quite know what to do about money.  I wrote an email to Juku asking them to let me work at home.  I am able to and willing to do so and I need to keep busy.  I need to earn a paycheck and keep my health insurance.  What if Juku terminates me?  I will then collect my Social Security retirement benefits….I am wondering if I should begin that process now already…who knows how long that will take?  I may very well need that.  I wonder if I can also collect SSI disability benefits.  I may not be able to work much, or for a while…who knows?  Going to town on my bike seems like not the best idea….at this time….or….can I?  I don’t know…..

Laura said that I can move in with her.  I know that.  I know she wants me to.  I know.  I hate to leave my beach cottage.  I…..will do that if I have to, and I’ll be happy and grateful for her generosity….I will…… I don’t know about….him….but if I must, I will go live with her and help her with Ead.  

Oh dear….I must stay positive and strong!  It’s not over!  The prognosis…..worries me, though….worries me….even if I make it through, the next few or more months….the treatment….are bound to be…..perhaps quite brutal.  

I must remain prayerful and faithful.  God is in charge of the plan that He designed for me…His good and perfect plan for me….only He….I will do my best but the rest…..which is a lot…is up to Him.