June 21, 2023
11:35 am
Wow.
I have not felt scared or anxious or upset or anything….
I’ve been swimming and riding and even going to work…and praying and chanting and reading….and laughing and sleeping well and feeling mostly very, very good…
But…
Yesterday and today, I am feeling quite overwhelmed.
My phone is ringing constantly; before this all began, I always kept my ringer “off” because, for one thing, I never got/get any phone calls! And for another thing, if there were any calls, it was usually not a call I wanted to take…someone I didn’t know…etc.
Now, I have to leave my ringer “on” and answer every time because it’s a doctor or provider scheduling something or changing an appointment.
It’s driving me crazy.
This morning…I just returned from…an appointment/consultation with Dr. Frank Fang at Pali Palms. I rode my bike over….lovely, lovely morning! Chanted all the way…
I am sleeping ok…that is helpful….
I do not…I cannot go to Juku at this time anymore. I went the past two days and it is not the work itself that is stressful; it is the ever-changing appointments…working around them….and, frankly, just being there and focusing on my students, my work, which I thought would be helpful, has not been helpful…rather, it detracted and distracted me from maintaining my positive and prayerful mental/emotional state, which is CRITICAL to my physical health, especially at this time.
Dr. Fang could not have been more pleasant, more positive. He literally bounded into the room with a friendly smile and explained his role very clearly. He will be with Dr. Schoppy in the OR and he will be repairing and/or rebuilding any nerves that must be cut…there are many nerves near the surface of the skin, it is a very complex area…. “neighborhood”....he called it…a “neighborhood” with which he is very familiar, he assured me. The surgery will begin mid to late morning exactly two weeks from today, and it will take all day. Dr. Schoppy will remove the “tumor”....the whole lymph node?....and all the cancer…the cancerous cells…everything that he can see….and Dr. Fang will take care of the nerves so that I have minimal nerve damage. There will be a time…which will be temporary, hopefully, during which I will have no ability to smile, frown, etc. on my left side, and then, over months, hopefully the nerves will repair themselves and I will once again be able to smile.
Anyways, he was professional, knowledgeable, articulate, and also very personable. So I appreciate him.
Now, I am writing this and preparing to go to my next appointment this afternoon at 1 pm, Hawaiian Islands Dermatology. I want to swim after that. I am wearing my swimsuit. If he decides to biopsy something else, then that will (might?) kill that….errrr…..
Tomorrow the PET scan….after a simple dinner of protein and greens later today, I will have to fast until after the procedure, which is scheduled for 4:00 pm and will span two hours! I feel some anxiety about this scan, which I guess is going to reveal if the cancer has spread throughout my body. If it is local to my neck node, I think I’m in pretty good shape; if it has spread, I think I’m in trouble.
Friday, the MRI…..I feel anxiety about going into that very tight tube. I’ve asked both Dr. Schoppy and Dr. Serrano to please prescribe me something….like Valium…to take before I go in there. I hope to close my eyes and sleep.
It’s been two weeks (tomorrow) since I was diagnosed. A lot has happened. Many doctors’ appointments…two CT scans….two biopsies….blood draws….the PET scan…the MRI….and there will be another MRI! On my brain!
I am “trying” to remain calm and positive…and for the most part, I am….but…
It’s a lot…..to take in and process and deal with…
I am strong…yes, I am….
It is a beautiful day…all I want to do is swimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………
And I did....
An incredibly lovely day!
A day off from work.... an afternoon swim after morning appointments....
100 short-course yards breast/free warm-up
4000 short-course yards free! Straight through! With no time restraints, I got into a comfortable rhythm....and just....
Swam....
1000 short-course yards breast/free ....just because....I could not make myself get out of the pool!
Feeling great and grateful.
Swimming really helps!
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