June 23, 2023
6:09 pm
The MRI was not nearly as dreadful as I'd thought it would be. The doctors and nurses and technicians have all been nothing short of wonderful.
Dr. Schoppy just called and we had a long chat. He received both the PET scan and the MRI results; the good news is that there is no cancer or masses in my brain...my brain is good. More good news: the cancer in my neck seems to be local to one lymph node and that can be removed with the surgery.
But there is some not good news too: a mass in my lung. I will have to have that biopsied soon. Dr. Schoppy said this is very serious. He will be consulting with all the doctors on my team. It's serious. The PET scan also showed something in my eye; I will have to see an ophthalmologist soon. OK, at least it's not ALL over my body....but the lung....
I told Dr. Schoppy that I feel absolutely fine and that I swam three miles yesterday...non-stop...and I feel fine. How can my body be so sick and I do not feel a thing? He said that as a very fit person with no underlying health issues...that gives me an advantage in this fight....but, he assured me, a fight it will be.
Tonight, I feel a bit....scared. I am not afraid to meet Jesus; I look forward to that.,,,,ONE DAY! NOT YET! I am afraid to leave my kids and my grandson....I am afraid to tell them....I cannot bear to leave my kids and my grandson. I cannot bear to tell them. I really cannot bear that. I haven't cried one tear since this all began...not one tear....but I feel those tears close to the surface tonight. I don't want to give in to it; I don't want to give it any power or thought or energy or fuel....I am very strong...I have a very strong and stubborn and tenacious spirit.....I hope that I can remain so during this ordeal....for my kids...if I lose it, they will lose it. I don't want to show them that I am afraid....or weak...or anything....I have always always been strong for them! Haven't I done everything and anything for them? I have. I have. I can and will do anything for them....I will fight to live for them. I must and I will.
It is…impossible for me to keep anything from Laura, so I will have to pray and chant before she calls me tonight, so that I am in a very calm and positive place. I don’t want her to hear or sense anything at all in my voice. Nothing at all except for my deep and eternal love for her.
What’s next? Dr. Schoppy will consult with Dr. Louie (or whoever is covering for him if he is already in Alaska) and Dr. Spiers, and make the decision whether we should go forward with the surgery on July 5th. I want to and Dr. Schoppy says he does, too. But he wants everyone on the team to be on the same page. He will make the referrals to the ophthalmologist and pulmonologist and I can expect to hear from them and seeing them….hopefully, before the surgery….
I wait. And pray. And chant.
That is all I can do…today. I am alive TODAY.
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