Monday, November 13, 2023
I'm fine, but also I'm not fine.
I'm not fine, but also I'm fine.
I'm going to win this, but there is still a struggle going on.
There is still a struggle going on, but I'm going to win this.
I'm going to survive, but there are still cells in my body that want to kill me.
There are still cells in my body that want to kill me, but I'm going to survive.
This is not the time for complacency; I must be vigilant. There are still cells in my body that want to kill me.
This is still a struggle...a battle...a war; there are cells in my body that want to kill me!
I'm fine, but I'm not the same.
I will never be the same.
And that's OK, because each day I am different...anyway.
I have been fighting, striving, coping, adapting, adjusting, learning, and growing....constantly...I am never the same from day to day....page to page...chapter to chapter....
Time for a hard, honest look...and acceptance of that...of this...of these things...these....facts.
I do not think that I have been in denial these past six months...(has it been six months already?); I've done what I've always done: I've coped and I've carried on. That is what I've had to do...or what I've chosen to do...all my life. No one...I realized...quite a long time ago...was coming to my rescue...was going to rescue me; I would have to rescue myself. As a child....as a bride...as a single mom....as a human....no, no one was coming to rescue me. I learned...and I learned well...how to cope and how to carry on...and how to survive...and how to thrive.
I am....I have become...very self-reliant...very resilient....by-products of my past...my childhood...my single motherhood....
I have painstakingly honed those qualities in order to cope and to survive and to even thrive...
I became a learner and a grower....I became who and what I am today.
I'm proud of that. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of me.
And, even more importantly, I like me today...I love me today.
Yes, I have honed those qualities....I've done what I've always done and what I've had to do....to survive...
After I received the test results...from the CT scan, and the pulmonary tests....that was on Thursday, the 2nd....I....exhaled. Dave and Sarah came over that evening to move the bed from Andrea's cottage into my cottage. Dave said, "Well, what's the news?" I threw my arms up in the air and shrieked, "I'm going to live!!!" We all hugged and laughed. Those were precious, exuberant moments!
Then, on Tuesday, the 7th, I had the appointment with Dr. Lo, the pulmonologist, who wanted to review and discuss with me my scans and lung performance test results, and those results were sooooooooooo very encouraging....I could not help but be very, very stoked!!!
I was soaring.....
But....as Mary says, "What goes up, must come down."
And....I came down...no, I fell down...no, I was slapped down.
The reality check came on Wednesday, the 8th. I usually take care of Ead Aki on Wednesday afternoons while Laura participates in her weekly online work meeting, but on the 8th she had asked me to go early and take care of Ead in the morning while she went to Chaminade for her second interview, and, of course, I said that I would do that.
Problem: been having sleep difficulties and hadn't slept through the night for a few nights.
I woke up early...set my phone alarm....and was very, very tired. It took some effort to get out of bed and into the shower. I skipped breakfast (first bad decision of the day) and, instead, asked Laura to pick me up a pumpkin smoothie. I shared it with Ead, who loves pumpkin, smoothies, and straws, and so I did not really drink very much of it.
I thought I'd sleep...and I looked forward to lying down...when Ead took his morning nap. He did go to sleep, but I did not...could not. I closed my eyes and rested my body, but my mind could not relax and I did not drift off to sleep as I'd wanted and hoped to do.
Laura came back and prepared for her afternoon meeting, and I fed Ead his lunch and washed bottles and dishes. I did not eat lunch (second bad decision of the day). Then Ead was on the run; then Laura was done with her meeting and asked me to watch Ead/help her with Ead's room and the room she was preparing for Matt and Hillary's stay. I did so...watched Ead and helped her.
But the afternoon was wore on....so did I....
I felt myself becoming increasingly Irritable...jittery...anxious....cranky....
I needed food...hydration...rest...a nap....
I wasn't taking care of myself...I was taking care of them...
I was short-tempered with Laura; I sat on a chair and....began to...felt like a....panic. Shaking....crying....a mini-meltdown...
Laura said, "What's wrong? What's the matter? What's happening?"
And I did not know. I told her I did not know.
"What do you need? What can I do to help you?" she asked.
And I did not know.
Yes, I honed those qualities....perhaps, now, since the circumstances have changed...have always been changing....those qualities do not function so well in this particular circumstance...
I need to ask for help and rely on others....on safe others.....
I need to voice my needs...to myself and to others...honestly....
This is very difficult for me...very challenging...
I must learn some new techniques....grounding techniques....to not necessarily replace the skills and abilities that I have so painstakingly honed....but to contribute to...to enhance...to add to my repertoire....
I am no longer a child...a traumatized child...
I am no longer a single mother, the sole supporter of dependent children....
I seek to know and understand and go forward living the next 40 years of my life on this planet based on...changed from...enhanced by...the lesson(s) and purpose(s) of this chapter...this experience...this struggle...
For growth happens through struggle...
The purpose...one purpose of this...is growth....
Growth....
For surely....God....knows the plan...the good and perfect plan...the plan not for evil...that He designed for me....and this illness...He allowed....as part of His plan....as well as this treatment and this healing and survival and...more living....
So what....is...the lesson? the purpose? the meaning? of all of this.....
I seek to know...I believe there is a divine lesson here, and that I must actively seek it out....in order to go on with my life after this...for many years....
There will be many years and I want them to be purposeful...full of God's purpose....
Time to swim...
I hesitated, as I do sometimes...but...I went...I rode to the pool...I slipped in the water....and felt instant relief....
Wonderful conditions...
Air temp: low 80's, sunny & breezy...
Pool temp: upper 70's, comfy & pristine...cool but not-nearly-as-chilly-as-I-thought-it-might-be-given-the-strong-trade-breezy-conditions-all-weekend.....
Cool water on my cheeks...gulping warm sunshine with each breath....
Visualization therapy...
After my morning therapy session with my wonderfully helpful therapist...
I was fatigued...as per usual these days...part of the cumulative effects of the treatment...
But as soon as I got in the water, magic....
150 scy's breast & free warm-up...
100 lcm's breast warm-up...
2800 lcm's free...
100 lcm's breast & free cool-down.
If I had not had a time constraint/Gram-gram duty, I would have swum allllllllll damn day...
But duty calls....
I wish I could write and/or record my thoughts while I swim; I do my best thinking while I'm swimming.
So, where am I now?
Well, currently, the side effects that I am managing are:
1. Fatigue...never-ending fatigue;
2. Inflammation....manifested as joint and muscle pain, particularly in my right leg from my big toe all the way up to my hip, which causes restlessness/sleeplessness...as well as some stomach issues...upset and acid reflux....in the middle of the night!
3. Vitiligo....which is ugly, and a bit depressing....but does not "hurt"....it does not itch or cause me discomfort or pain...it's just ugly, and the affected skin on my arms, hands chest and upper back burns quickly.
I feel that these side effects are manageable...."able to be managed"....
That does not mean I just ignore them or "put up" with them; I need to manage them...actively...proactively....
They are a part of my life now.....in this chapter....
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